I vomited, righted myself, looked around for my clothes, only to instead pick up a half-empty goblet of wine. The list goes on and on.Ī week later, I awoke facedown in a gutter, nude except for a crown of thorns on my head. Seems they weren’t part of the show at all and instead had thought the central stage open to public lounging. A troupe of nymphs from Moldavia took the stage only to disrobe and begin fondling each other, which went on for 5 solid hours until someone thought to ask them how much longer the show was, much to their surprise and embarrassment. Such sights I beheld! A Moor, who bore a striking resemblance to a rotten tree trunk, presented a staged version of Hamlet using only trained monkeys. This meant, of course, that I would preside over the festival and generally bear the brunt of all the fornication, something that I welcomed with much satisfaction.ĭonning a loose toga, I reclined on a silken couch and watched the merry-making. This year the festival was being held in the church Corpus Domini, a fitting name given what was about to take place.Īs luck would have it, I had been elected Saturnalicius princeps due to a rather large donation that I had sent the Vatican earlier in the year, a gift consisting of several man-eating boars reared in Sardinia, a gilded cross depicting a nude Jesu, and 52 coupons to Taco Bueno for $1 off a taco with purchase of a large soft drink. Let us start from the beginning: A rather long train ride, during which I could only amuse myself by counting the gypsy dung carts that I saw passing by the window outside, and suddenly I was in the outskirts of Rome, in a little village called Nomentano. The holiday season saw me taking my annual trip to Roma for Saturnalia, and as typical during this festive time, I consumed way too much food, and had my way with way too much young flesh. ![]() Greetings my fellow readers! It is I, The Duke, back from the gutter, and this time I’ve brought something back with me! I know it has been a while since I last regaled you with my acumen on all things cinematically awesome, but I swear the results will be worth the wailing and gnashing of teeth that my absence no doubt caused you all.
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